It Wasn't Me

I have acquired a third child. It happened at some point between the birth of Caleb and Isaiah’s first day of Kindergarten. In my defense, it didn’t happen overnight, which is why I didn’t catch it when this child first started making his presence known. But after several years of blaming others for unclaimed messes, a slow realization finally occurred to me; There are more than four of us living in this house.

I took some time to process this realization, on account of, I was feeling slightly unsettled. But more importantly, I wasn’t sure how Adam would react to this news. After a few weeks of trying to deal with this elusive child by myself though, I decided it was time to speak up.

“I think another child has moved into the house, and goes by the name of It wasn’t me.”

“Why do you think that?”

“For starters, food has been disappearing at unprecedented rates. Just the other day I noticed two boxes of cracker’s, a entire package of string cheese, six apples and a pork tenderloin had gone missing. When I asked who ate all the food, the boys both said It wasn’t me."

“Oh, I see.”

“And it gets even worse. This morning I stepped in a puddle at the base of the toilet. Disgusted, I yelled, WHO KEEPS MISSING THE TOILET? And guess what? They blamed it on It wasn’t me again.”

“Well, did you talk to It wasn't me about it?”

“That’s the problem. I have yet to see him in person. All I have to go by is the evidence that he was here. His dirty clothes are constantly laying beside the hamper, the toilet paper roll is always empty and I have yet to walk through the house without stepping on the Lego’s he leaves on the floor.”

A few days later, Adam came home from work and said, “I think you are right about it wasn’t me. He drove the car until the gas light came on, and didn’t even bother to fill it back up. By the time I realized what was going on, and arrived at the gas station, I was coasting on fumes. I have had it with It wasn't me. He is getting out of hand.”