I have always had this idea of how my life ought to be, and the box in which it should fit. I tend to picture my life box to be the colors of honey and almond, with a pretty paisley pattern adorning it. (I really like paisley). But the reality of life is messy. It rarely fits into the box in which I try to fit it. The colors clash, the pattern isn’t quite right, or the circumference of my life has become too big for my small square box. I kick, shove, pound and stuff in order for it to fit my ideal, and yet, all my efforts buy me is exhaustion and disillusionment. And then I get upset that God has not stayed within the boundaries of my box.
Until 6 months ago, my pretty box consisted of, among other things, mountain biking, hiking, enjoying the fresh mountain air, playing with our two healthy boys, and looking forward to doing these things with our daughter. After all, we were praying for a healthy little girl.
But the reality of my life has changed. It has become much too round to fit into my perfect square box adorned with paisleys. Our daughter has Cerebral Palsy. If and when she gets to the point that she is able to walk, it will not be without struggle. Regardless of how hard she wills herself, her muscles will always fight her body. We may never be able to mountain bike and hike as a family, as her physical abilities will be limited. And to be quite honest, it has been hard to come to grips with.
This all brings the question to mind: What is prayer? What good does it do? For me, prayer is a curious thing. We spent over a year praying for a healthy daughter, and yet, at first glance she isn’t healthy – at least in the way that the world understands health. I know now that God’s ideal is much different than ours. We can look at a person who, by a Doctors analysis, is physically healthy, and yet, their heart is full of anger, bitterness and resentment. On the same token, we can also look at a person who lives within the spectrum of ‘special needs’ and see the most caring, loving, forgiving people, despite the harsh stares and prideful comments aimed at them.
I am jealous for the gift God is revealing through our daughter.
This doesn’t mean that I have not struggled, because I have. Don’t get me wrong. I am not, for one second, afraid of what people think of my family. I’m not that petty. Not in this area anyway. No, my struggle had more to do with the unknowns of Naomi’s Cerebral Palsy. I often questioned if what we were doing was just in vain. Was I spending too much time with her and not enough with my other children? Will she grow too big for us to carry her before she is able to walk? What will we do then? Recently, we noticed that she was regressing in many of her movements. Her inner thigh muscles seemed to pull tighter together, causing her legs to scissor. Her muscles became stiff, and she struggled through her motions.
It turns out that she experienced a growth spurt, and while her skeletal system grew, her muscles struggled to adapt to the change, which caused her body to regress a little bit. Once we understood what was happening, we were able to help her, but I couldn’t help but be a little frustrated. After all, how many more unknowns were we going to experience in her lifetime? And how can we make sense of them before she has to go through it?
You’ll never believe what happened next…actually you probably will. But I’m going to tell you anyway.
Last week I attended a bible study, and a woman (Hi Barbara!) asked me how Naomi was doing. I shared with her my concerns about all the unknowns and she said “Well, I’ll be praying that God connects you with a family who has traveled this road ahead of you, and can offer you advice and encouragement during this time with Naomi”. (This is not word for word, but you get the gist).
It is always comforting to hear that someone is praying for you, but I couldn’t help but wonder how this opportunity would present itself. I mean, we were praying for a healthy daughter for nearly 2 years, so I don’t want to aim too high with my expectations. It’s safer that way. I’m just saying!
Four days later I get a phone call from my Dad saying something along the lines of “An interesting thing happened today. Give me a call and I’ll tell you about it.” After returning his call – because I wasn’t home at the time – he gave me the phone number to a woman whose 16 year old son also has Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy (just like Naomi). I promptly called this woman who, over the course of our short phone conversation, has already given me some great advice, understanding, wisdom and hope for Naomi.
Oh, I should also mention that after a short, relatively painless procedure to help ease the tightness/tone that comes with Spastic Diplegia, this woman's son has completed two 50-mile hikes!
I wasn’t asking God to change our circumstances, but through the prayer of a faithful woman, God was able to reveal His faithfulness to me. He knows me well, because that’s really all I needed to move forward.
I will leave you to chew on this quote from C.S. Lewis concerning prayer:
Can we believe that God ever really modified His action in response to the suggestions of men? For infinite wisdom does not need telling what is best, and infinite goodness needs no urging to do it.
But neither does God need any of those things that are done by finite agents, whether living or inanimate. He could, if He chose, repair our bodies miraculously without food; or give us food without the aid of farmers, bakers and butchers; or knowledge without the aid of learned men; or convert the heathen without missionaries.
Instead, He allows soils and weather and animals and the muscles, minds and wills of men to cooperate with the execution of His will…It is not really stranger, nor less strange, that my prayers should affect the course of events than my other actions should do so. They have not advised or changed God’s mind – that is, His overall purpose. But that purpose will be realized in different ways according to the actions, including the prayers, of His creatures.
As for me, I am going shopping for a new life box. I'm thinking extra-extra large will do the trick. And forget about paisley. I want something less conforming. Perhaps tie-dye?
Anna
