I love to eat cheese. There is nothing like a nice thick slice of Cheddar, Swiss or cheese curds to take away my afternoon hunger. A lot of my time is spent in the cheese section of the grocery store looking at all the different kinds of cheese and imagining a plate full of cheese, crackers and fruit. Mmmmm...did I mention I like cheese?

I like to eat most any type of cheese with one exception...American cheese. I have heard it called many things from floppy cheese to cheese flops, but the name on the package gives itself away, it says: pasteurized prepared cheese product. After reading the list of ingredients (and there were many), I lost my appetite. It's true, real cheese is used in the making of American cheese, but after it goes through the heating process and then is filled with chemical additives, it no longer tastes or even looks like real cheese.

So you can appreciate my thought process the other day when I caught the tail end of the Oscars. There was a woman on the stage who I am sure must have been at least 40 years older than what she was trying to portray. Everything about her looked so unnatural, even down to the way she awkwardly twisted her body while standing on stage in order to look thinner, that all I could think was....American cheese!

I can't help but think that standing on that stage was a woman who, in the world's eyes, had received the highest accomplishment in the acting community, an Oscar. And yet, despite receiving such a highly acclaimed award, she couldn't bring her true self to that stage. She couldn't show up.

I cannot relate to that. I have many faults, but there is one thing you can count on from me and that is honesty. I am not too proud to show you my struggles, or tell you when I have made mistakes, nor am I ashamed to tell you that Jesus Christ saves me from them.

So I challenge you to pick a real cheese. It can be Cheddar, Munster, Brie or Swiss, I don't care what you choose, just don't choose American cheese.

Every once in a while one of the boys will say something that leaves me wondering "what just happened?".

This is one of those times....

A few days ago, Isaiah and a little girl I watch in the mornings before school were standing by the front door getting their jackets and shoes on. As I walked toward them Isaiah looked at me, and with a big grin on his face and a tight hug around my waist he said, "hey mama, my fabulous mama."

I was taken aback. After all, isn't this the moment I have been waiting for? The moment where suddenly he has become aware of everything I do for him, and he appreciates me! He gets it....he understands...to Isaiah I am fabulous!

And then, in my short lived moment of pride I was brought back to reality by the sound of giggles and Isaiah saying, "you see Madison, if you say that to your mom she will do anything you want."

Before I knew it he was out the door, somersaulting through the grass, headed toward the school bus.

And there I was, standing at the door, mouth agape, confusion written all over my face, thinking, "what on earth just happened?"

One of the first things I do in the morning is to peek through the blinds to get a glimpse of the day that lay ahead. By doing so, I can get a pretty good idea of the clothes I should wear and what I can expect the weather to be like. This simple morning ritual helps set the tone for my day.

You see, I am a morning person. I love to be up way before the sun rises and just sit in the still quiet. I need this time to gather my thoughts and just be with the Lord; to listen to His voice and let Him guide my day. This is a precious time, so when my day (for any number of reasons) doesn't start with time for the Lord, I feel out of sync. It's as though I am one step behind in everything I do, and no matter how hard I try, I can't catch-up. This is God's loving reminder to me that I need to let Him be my guide.

"Yes Lord, thank you for that reminder. Tomorrow is a new day and I will commit it to you."

As I look out my window each morning I am reminded of the horizon that God has set before me, before Adam. This "horizon" is not something that we can see, but I love to use this word because it brings to my mind an image of a beautiful sunrise; where the sun has not quite peaked over the mountains, but the brilliant colors in the sky are announcing its impending arrival.

"Yes Lord, I can see the colors and they are beautiful."

This is where we are right now. In the horizon we see God working. In our hearts we feel Him stirring. In the process He is preparing us.

"Yes Lord, I want to be a part of it. You be my guide."

As I mentioned in an update post this past December, there has been a slow down in the Novosibirsk region due to a change in supervision. This change is directly related to administrative issues regarding the supervision of inspectors in the region. In case you are wondering, inspectors (i.e. social workers) represent adoptive children in the court system. They previously worked under the Bodies of Guardianship and Trusteeship, but are now overseen by the Department of Education.

As a result of this change, the Department of Education has had a significant increase in their work load and are having to make extra time in their schedules for thorough review of each child's file and the court hearings that follow. They are working through each adoption case in a fair manner with their primary focus being on the families who have already made their first trips and are awaiting court dates.

Unfortunately for these families, what was originally supposed to be a 2-3 month wait has been extended to 4-5 months as the Department of Education works through all of these cases. While the Department of Education hopes to continue providing referrals to families who are registered and waiting, there is, understandably, a significant slow down in the amount of referrals being given.

At this time, WACAP is unable to speculate when we might get a referral. Originally our wait time was 1-6 months (we have already been waiting for 4 months), and while it may still be in that time frame, there is a possibility that it could be longer.

Although we would love to be able to hold our daughter in our arms right now, we continue to trust that it will happen in God's perfect timing.

Psalm 138:8
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

I love February. It has nothing to do with the fact that, because of Valentines Day, it is considered the month of love. The reason I love February is because, after nearly 2 months of cold, gray, icy, wet weather, we get to see a glimpse of Spring. The temperature is slightly warmer. The sun, previously hidden behind the dark storm clouds of winter, finally peeks through and slowly starts to melt away the icy cold. Life starts to happen. The buds on the trees are getting slightly bigger and the crocus, tulips and daffodils seem to peek their way through the soil. Spring is on the horizon.

The boys and I have taken advantage of the spring like weather here. We spent yesterday afternoon running through the foothills of Boise and exploring the new life all around us. It was both invigorating and energizing and a much needed break from the cold winter weather. It gave me a renewed hope that winter won't be around for much longer. Spring is on the way and with it comes sunshine and warmer days.

As I was pondering our time yesterday, I realized that this is very much like life. We go through many different seasons in life, and they seem to relate in some ways to Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Yes, even Winter, unfortunately there is no exception made for this season. Winter seems to be the hardest season. The season where you might feel like the storms of life are beating you down; where you feel like if there is one more storm you just might not make it. This is the season where you just want to hunker down and get through.

But there is hope! God gives us a February in our personal season of winter. A time where we see a glimpse of better days ahead. A glimpse of a new life that somehow renews that energy within us and helps us finish off our last days of winter.

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Don't let this cute face fool you, there is a lot of "character" behind it.

At the grocery store today Caleb decided to stand in the middle of a main isle and growl at an unsuspecting man who was heading straight toward him. This wasn't just an ordinary "aaarrghh" growl, it was the kind of growl where his hands were in the air, his fingers were pointed straight out like claws and he was showing his teeth at the man. Talk about awkward...all I could do was stare in unbelief. I am sure the man must have felt the same way because right before reaching Caleb he turned down the feminine hygiene isle, which I can't prove, but I suspect was for no other reason than to get away from this strange child.

The funny thing about this little oddball episode with Caleb is that Adam was actually there to see it. Usually this strange behavior only happens when I am alone with the kids, so I often wonder if Adam thinks I make these things up. But today he got to experience it first hand, to which his only response was "what was that?".

The truth is, I will take "that" any day over the screaming, crying tantrums that seemingly grab the attention and disapproving looks of every shopper in the store. You know the kind, where you can feel your blood pressure rise and because there is no other escape for the embarrassment and stress it comes out your eyes in the form of tears.

Yeah, "that" is something I am more than happy deal with.

I recently read an article that spoke about the many differences between men and women and how these differences start to play out when a baby is still in its mothers womb. When a woman is pregnant, her body will release a chemical that, when it comes in contact with a male embryo, will stimulate the release of testosterone.

As a general rule, most males will use only one side of their brain at a time and they tend to favor the left side which is factual, logical and conquering. Women on the other hand use both sides of their brain but tend to favor the right side which is more emotions and feelings based.

In a study done on boys and girls aged 2 to 4 years old, researchers discovered that 100% of the noises coming out of little girls mouths had something to do with conversation, either with themselves or someone else. However, 60% of the sound coming out of boys mouths was conversational, the other 40% of sound from boys is just random noise!

Every time I think of that statistic I laugh! My boys (Caleb especially) spend more time making random noises than conversing. It is not uncommon to hear cars sounds, crashes, growling, grunting, sword fights and other sounds I would rather not mention. I love to listen to their random sounds and know exactly what they are doing. I love the restless energy that never seems to go away, and the way they can't be bothered with having to carry on a conversation when there is a pretend battle to be fought elsewhere. I love it all, until I hear a loud crash bang that is quickly followed by "that was totally awesome!"

Ah, the joys of having boys!

Adam and I have spent a great deal of time preparing for the day when we bring our daughter home from Russia. Just like the days of preparing to bring our sons home from the hospital, we have read the books, thought about names and talked with the boys about the changes in store. But daily we are reminded of how different and wonderful adoption truly is.

For example, the books we are reading having nothing to do with how to care for infants, but instead are about how to care for children who have spent their lives in an institution. Instead of just naming our daughter, we are having to consider her given name and how we will incorporate that into the name we have chosen for her. And our overnight bags we brought with us when I gave birth to our sons will be traded for several suitcases full of our clothes, and the clothes and toys for a little girl who will be up to 3 years of age.

Because of her age, our daughter will most likely join our family already knowing how to speak, the only difference being that she will speak Russian. Adam and I realize the importance of learning Russian so that we can communicate with her and also the judge we will meet at our court hearing. As a result, we have been learning Russian, and are considering starting lessons.

Through these different experiences I am constantly reminded of the changes in store for our daughter. In just a short time she will go from living among many children and a caretaker to having parents and two older brothers. She will leave the only place she has ever known and become a citizen of a new country where the sights, smells and sounds will be different. She will not understand the language we speak or the new freedom she has been given. Everything in her life will change drastically and so we find ourselves preparing in any way we can to make the adjustment to her new life a little bit easier.

We are so thankful that the Lord has called us on this journey. It has been a huge stretching experience for sure, but I have found that the more he stretches me, the closer I get to him, and the better I feel. It's funny how that works!

I think that along with the joy of bringing your first child home, an unwelcome guest also arrives...guilt. Sure, society puts enough guilt on mothers and it seems that whatever decision we make there is always someone telling us that it was the wrong one. From choosing to stay at home to going back to work, from breastfeeding to using formula and even how we choose to discipline our children, we are bombarded with the opinions of people who think they know better.

However, even with all the outside pressures, I think our biggest critics tend to be ourselves. At least that is true in my case. I can't tell you how many times I have felt guilty for doing or saying things I should not have said or done. And on the other end I have felt guilty for not doing things and not saying things I should have said or done. Regardless of the situation, I often find myself wondering if I am doing what is best for my kids. But I don't think that is entirely the reason why I am so hard on myself.

My heart is tied to my children. I hurt when my children hurt. I laugh when my children laugh and I cry when my children cry. I spend every moment of the day nurturing my children; from fixing meals to wiping tears and everything in between. And yet in the midst of the gentleness, I can quickly become very protective, in a mother bear kind of way, if I feel like my children are being threatened.

So it occurred to me that because mothers are so closely tied to their children, they will, at some point, experience every intense emotion from one end of the spectrum to the next. And because of that, there will be a lot of times when we will question ourselves and wonder if we are worthy to be called "mother".

I had my confirmation the other day that I am doing an okay job and I wanted to share it with you.

Isaiah was very slow in getting ready for school. It was 8:20 (we have to be out the door at 8:30), and he was still not dressed. I could see him doing something in the bathroom, but I wasn't sure what it was. Normally I would have gotten impatient with him, but instead I felt the Lord impress on me that I needed to respond in a calm manner. So I walked in the door and started to say "Isaiah, you need to get dressed right now", and as I was saying that I looked down and noticed he was writing a note to me. It said "I love you mom I hope you feel better soon". (He was referring to a cough and sinus infection I have been dealing with). I am so thankful that I listened to the Lord. Not only did he save me from serious feelings of guilt (could you imagine yelling at your child and then seeing a note like that?), but staying calm got Isaiah moving much faster than any other alternative.

Have a blessed guilt-free day!
Anna

Caleb loves his cowboy boots. He wears them everywhere and doesn't seem to care what he wears them with. Last summer he would wear them with cotton shorts with the tops of the boots hitting just below his knees. Last week he wore them to Isaiah's bus stop thinking he was pretty cool all the while fighting the elastic from the bottom of his sweatpants that was not wanting to stay pulled over his boots. Just today, he decided to wear his polyester Optimus Prime costume with his cowboy boots around the neighborhood because Optimus Prime just isn't very cool without boots.

It hit me today how much I have enjoyed watching my kids just be kids. To be reminded of my own childhood by watching my kids play and imagine brings me great joy. But the thing I love most about it is that they don't care what other people think about them in their torn costumes and worn boots. They don't care about the fact that sweatpants and boots just don't go together. The only thing that Caleb's three year old mind is concerned with is that his cowboy boots give him the power to be the superhero that not only saves the world, but also rescues his mom from the big, green aliens.

I'm not fooling myself though. There will come day when the costumes will be put away and the boots will no longer fit. I will no longer get to pretend that the aliens are attacking me and the only person who can rescue me is Caleb, my superhero, with the worn out cowboy boots.

So my prayer, as life gets hectic and has a tendency to get in the way of my best intentions, is to enjoy my children. I don't want to look back and wonder what happened and feel like I wasted this precious time. I want to look back and be thankful that I took the time.