Behind Us

Do you ever have those weeks where you think, "I'm glad that I got that over with."? The last time I remember having one of those moments was when Caleb was one week old. It was the middle of the night, I just finished feeding Caleb, and was still holding him in my arms when I felt a pain that I have never felt before. And believe me, I know what pain feels like. I had just given birth to a couch..I mean Caleb...one week prior. It was still fresh in my mind. But this pain was different. It was foreign. And I was sure that I was dying.

I woke Adam up at 1:00 am with the only words I could muster: I've. Got. Pain. Then we rushed to the emergency room, and after a series of tests, found out that I wasn't really dying, I just had a kidney stone.

I didn't see any humor in this experience at the time. In fact, I still don't. But as we drove away from the hospital three hours later, I looked at Adam and said, "I suppose that if I was going to have a kidney stone, I'm glad that it's over and done with now, and not waiting to happen next Tuesday or something." And then he agreed with me and said "yeah, it's nice to have that behind us."

Behind us.

That is exactly where I would like this adoption to be, because the truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired of the paperwork. I'm tired of the constant changes in Novosibirsk. I'm tired of living in limbo and I'm tired of waiting. But regardless of how tired I am, I still have to redo two documents that were returned to me because the judges won't accept it. And regardless of how much I wish it could all have been dealt with last week so that I wouldn't have to face it today, I have been warned of more changes to come in Novosibirsk.

If you would have asked me a year ago where I thought we would be today, I would have said that we would be done, our daughter would be here, and this whole adoption process would be behind us. And yet, one year later, instead of it being behind us, we are smack dab in the middle of it, and I have grown weary.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not necessarily the paperwork or the constant change that is wearing on me, but that our daughter is there alone and desperately in need of her family and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

Except cry. I have a tendency to do that whenever I feel overwhelmed.

I sat in the backyard the other night while the wind blew cold against the tears on my face, and I cried. I cried because of the paperwork, change and overall frustration but I sobbed when I thought of our little girl sitting alone and afraid. Desperate for the love that only her parent's can give.

And then I was reminded that we have been given the opportunity to take part in God's miracle, and even though it's oftentimes messy, hard or downright exhausting, He won't let us fall. It's at those times when we think we can't take another step that He shows Himself faithful, and it's in that revealing moment that we know we would do it all over again. Because it's worth it. He's worth it.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to see this miracle come to fruition. What a beautiful day it will be when we can look back and say, "It's behind us! We did it!" But until that day comes, whether it's this Tuesday or ten Tuesdays from now, and regardless of my circumstances, I will praise Him.

Amen.