Separation

There is something that I want you to know: I am homesick.

To those of you who have known me since I was little, this will come as no surprise. It is something I have struggled with since I was a child, attempting to spend the night at my best friends house, only to go home crying in the middle of the night because I was homesick. I don't like this about myself, and as much as I wish otherwise, I can't get rid of it. It's my nature. It has been woven into the very fabric of my being, and it will always be something that I carry.

This 2nd trip to Russia has been a source of anxiety for me since we first started the adoption process and I learned of the possible length of time that we would be here. But somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought that since I was being faithful by separating myself from my children, my home and my comforts, that God would in turn grant us favor by making the process as smooth as possible, waiving the wait period and allowing us to get home without delay.

But God did something the other day that at first left me shocked and devastated because from my point of view, He didn't hold up to His end of the bargain. The bargain that I placed on Him, and that in hindsight, I realized, He never agreed to.

I knew there was a reason for this delay, but I didn't want to see it. I wanted to be angry and I wanted to cry. And so I did. I wallowed in my own self-pity and cried until my nose was raw and my face was red and puffy. And then I cried some more.

I was afraid of not knowing how much longer I would be separated from my children and my comfortable life and it broke me.

And then the most amazing thing happened as I sat on the bed, wiping my eyes and wondering if God could fully understand my heartache. My eyes were suddenly opened to the realization of the price Jesus paid as he died on the cross, being separated from God his Father, in order that we might draw near to him. It was in that moment, through my own separation and hurt, that God allowed me to experience a tiny shred of the heartache that Jesus endured on Calvary, all because of his great love for me.

And for you.

I sometimes think about the cross
And shut my eyes and try to see
The cruel nails and crown of thorns
And Jesus crucified for me.
But even could I see him die,
I could but see a little part
Of that great love, which, like a fire,
Is always burning in his heart.

"It is a Thing Most Wonderful" by William Walsham How

There have been so many times that I have struggled with my homesickness and wished that it wasn't a burden I would have to carry. But today, I have learned that what I have thought to be a burden all along, is in fact a gift from God. A gift that has been woven into the very experiences of my life that are coming together in a grand design, and are being used to point to Him.