Bathroom Etiquette

I have always known that my children are slobs. I see the evidence of this every morning when I walk into their bathroom and nearly vomit after seeing toothpaste spit streaked across counter, sprayed all over the faucet and slowly sliding down the mirror.

You see, I have a little problem. If I am exposed to spit in any form, I will get sick to my stomach. The same goes for eating mayonnaise or watching people drink their leftover cereal milk. It's a weird quirk that I have, but I have always known that if I stay away from these three offenses, I will make it through life okay.

But something happened while cleaning the boys' bathroom the other morning, that caused me to question my very existence. And while it doesn't necessarily make me want to vomit, I can't help but wonder if it will keep me from living a full-functioning life. Here's the deal, it has become quite clear that my boys struggle with aiming properly not only while spiting, but when peeing too. I know this because I unsuspectingly came face to face with the crystallized pee that adorned the wall, shower curtain, floor, garbage can and underneath the backside of the toilet.

Yes, I said underneath the backside of the toilet.

And in case you were wondering, yes, it is possible.

I know because my face almost touched it.

While I don't know if the culprit was just practicing an ill timed yoga move or if he just had some strange case of exploding bladder, I do know that I don't really want to hear the reasoning behind the mess, I just want to be sure that it won't grace my walls, floor or shower curtain ever again.

So in an effort to satisfy my passive aggressive nature, I have decided that instead of voicing my frustration, I will quietly tape the following sign on the wall behind their toilet:

Proper Use of the Toilet. A Tutorial.



* Stand still, and remain on two feet. This is not the proper time to test your balance.

* Face forward at all times. Do not look left. Do not look right.

* If you have been holding it for a long time, take one step back (maybe even two) so you don't overshoot the bowl.

* The animals on the shower curtain are not targets. Do not try to hit them. They don't appreciate it and neither do I.

* If you aim correctly, there is no reason for the wall to be used as a back-splash.

* Flush. Flush. Flush.

And remember, My aim is to keep this bathroom clean. Your aim will help.

Sincerely,
Your Mother