Now Featuring...

The other day, Adam replaced the soft yellow incandescent light bulbs in our bedroom with the compact fluorescent (hideously ugly) light bulbs. I, of course, did not expect these light bulbs to burn my retinas and change the color on the walls, but alas, they did.

Sensing that something about the lights was off kilter, I said to Adam, "something must be wrong with these lights because after I turned them off, they glowed green."

Adam looked at me and said, "there's nothing wrong with the glowing lights, that's just a feature."

As we walked out of our room, Isaiah was coming in the front door when I noticed a huge hole in the knee of his jeans. Isaiah didn't seem to care, but after a few minutes of nearly exploding from keeping my mouth shut, I finally said, "Isaiah, you need to change your pants. That hole is too big."

"But I like this hole there."

"I'm sure you do, but I will not allow you to wear clothes like that when it's 20 degrees outside."

"But Mom, this hole is a feature. It cools me down when the rest of my body gets too hot."

Thinking to myself that those pants would disappear in the night, I told Isaiah to go wash up for dinner.

A few minutes later, while wearing his swimming goggles and eating his dinner, Isaiah looked at me and said, "Mom, these goggles have a cool feature. They make your pimples look really dark."

At this point I start thinking how nice it would be to take my slice of cheesecake and sit in a dark corner where my acne scars can't be seen by strange boys with funny looking goggles, but the only place I can find has a green glow to it and makes me wonder if my house has, in fact, been invaded by aliens.

Instead, I find myself checking e-mail where I see a message from our case-manager stating that the notary date does not match the letterhead date on our state police clearances, and therefore, need to be redone. (At this point, my eye's have started twitching) If that's not enough, we were also told that the title of one of our doctors was not printed underneath his signature, and that this might not be accepted by the judge in Russia, and as a precaution, we should have that corrected.

I'm not exactly sure what happened after that. All I remember is Adam coming into the room saying "What's that noise?"

I said, "What are you talking about? I don't hear a noise."

He looked at me cautiously and said, "Honey, something's wrong with your ears, they are whistling and it looks like steam is coming out of them."

Then I looked at him and said, "Nothing's wrong dear. That's just a feature."